Sometimes you realize there is no going back. If you make a mistake you can usually fix it, if you hurt someone you can apologize and make amends. But sometimes in life you get on a one way journey, there is no going back. You didn’t mess anything up, you didn’t offend anyone, you just got onto a one way journey and there is no way back.
I remember being struck by this really hard once before in life. I went to university, my folks sold everything bought a boat and went sailing. They would sail on and off for the next eight years on the east coast of USA and the Caribbean. I went back to the “home” town I grew up in, we no longer owned the house I grew up in. The tree I climbed hundreds of times was no longer mine to climb. Everything looked and felt different. I was 18 and I realized, the truth of “you can never go back”.
This is one of those journeys. I can’t say it’s good or bad, it just is. For sure it is quite an adventure. I can’t believe how difficult it is to get a bank account, everything takes a special document. I need special documents for an apartment, special documents for insurance. It seems almost crazy. People inflate the cost of things when they see I am a foreigner, communication is sometimes impossible. On top of it all I am more physically worn out than I have felt in years.
However, in the midst of it all I see the Lord moving. I am certain of one thing he has me here (and Jeanine shortly) for His purposes.
While we might be uncertain what those purposes are, we do know what He has continually trained us in throughout our Christian years. We can live that out, press into Him even deeper and be a willing vessel. I have constantly tried to be a willing vessel, no matter what the cost. Usually when it comes down to it, I am just too selfish, but still He uses me.
I know Christ paid a great price for my life, intellectually I know I owe Him everything. However, now it is becoming more of a reality. I can tell you for certain it is not comfortable, there a glimpses of His glory, but for the most part it’s just pure uncertainty. I am learning to trust in Him more and more each day.
I get little bits of encouragement here and there. NBCC has been a tremendous blessing and encouragement. The bible studies, church services and fellowship are like fresh cold water on a scorching hot day. My verse of the day speaks louder and louder each day. Today it is 1 Peter 2:9, yesterday it was Psalms 73:23-24. I am truly called by Him, I am a willing (slightly reluctant) vessel, and He upholds me and guides me with His counsel.
Today at church the message was on giving. How God has given us everything, just a reminder that all we have, even our very lives, is His. I don’t want to exchange Christ for pieces of silver like Judas or for my own personal comfort.
Lord open my ears, my heart, my eyes to Your work here and how I can help. Lord fill me with Your joy day by day.